Is this really "something else" or is it?
Imagine yourself preparing a concept for a feature film where the ingredients are nonsense, ridicule, intentional factual errors, logical illogic (huh?), talking "animals," a very successful talk show host antagonist, our "the mother of all egos" protagonist, and everything else that could be totally pointless. Let it settle in for a few moments.
Then serve it as 'Fly Like An Ego' (shaken, not stirred!).
There ís absolutely a cohesive factor which will become visible during and especially towards the end where all adds up.
So please read on, and see for yourself.
Sydney Pais
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Prologue
Fly Like An Ego starts with a to the second power flashback. First we learn some "life lessons" for a small boy called Doug, and his father's prediction that one day a great TV celebrity and athlete he will be. Second we witness in the background the burying of a treasure chest on the beach by pirates in the late 18th (or is the 19th?) century.
Since the latter seems to be just a background piece of colorful wallpaper, an insignicifant, minor event, and totally out of place and time," we could easily forget about it.
We shouldn’t, as it will be crucial at the end.
Little Doug pushes a human-shaped stick into the mud and names it after himself. Exit innocence, enter ego.
Nothing happens without a reason, and you will find out later.
The story
Back today in the 21st Century we learn about the “wonderful warm relationship” (NOT) between KRAP-TV's documentary maker Doug Hausse (pronounce “doghouse”) and talk show host Linda Faykes (don’t go there, you know very well how to pronounce this).
On the flight to Scotland, where he is scheduled for two special KRAP-TV assignments, Doug has one of his “award-winning” dreams. In “Titanic 2,” the voiceover first explains that the ship has being cloned and is ready to cross the Atlantic.
Of course, this is a blueprint for disaster. No, not so much regarding the ship, they build better quality nowadays, but it is Doug who plays the main role. Jack and Rose are replaced by modern lovers Doug and his dream babe Kate (the choosing of her name is purely based on coincidence.... Honestly...).
Instead of just doing what it is being hired for, the Voiceover often meddles with events taking place. To give “The Invisible Chosen One” a sense of having a real life of its own, it sneezes.
This dream also opens the door for a quick flashback in which we’ll meet the real Kate. Doug has "a boy’s ultimate dream," helping out a beautiful, young woman being stranded on the highway. Or is she?
Throughout the movie it will become clear, that it doesn’t really matter if Doug dreams or not. He sucks either way.
In Scotland, Doug works on his “masterpiece” documentary about the culture in the local region. This, however, is merely a cover for his real goal: finding alien life.
To prove it, he must show it. To show it, he must record it. To record it, he must find it. When (not if) he finds it, superstardom is a fact. How hard can this be to a celebrity like Doug?
In order to achive this simple task, he follows leads and gathers information from patrons in the local pubs, asking them questions pertaining to their life and culture, all the while keeping his ears open for the information that really interests him.
Doug gathers what seems to be useless information about their culture, lifestyle and sport rivalry. Intertwined in the information is talk of aliens and warnings. His ears are wide open for what is mentioned about “those E.T.’s,”, but the warnings somehow don't reach him. Unfortunately for him, yet more fun for us.
After the events in the pubs, Doug’s press card falls off his suit. A car leaves a zigzag mark, an obvious sign that things will not go as well as he expects. He didn’t notice....
Due to his perseverance and blinding ego, Doug pushes all boundaries and eventually finds what he is after. Furthermore, his cameraman, Jim, manages to record alien life; starting with them descending from a space ship and making crop circles. Dressed as human beings and using “stalk stompers” they create their own masterpiece.
Will the viewer be aware that this is actually a spoof about mixing up the controversy regarding this subject? If you need assistance on questions like these, the ‘Fly Like An Ego’ helpline is open 24/7.
Doug is obsessed with fortune and fame. A wise bird incidently warns him to better watch his ego. Doug does not abide by these warnings either as his sights are set on his own stardom.
It appears that aliens have cloned human behaviour. We witness this in the spaceship’s city life with bored, beer drinking youngsters on the corners of the streets, scenes from the supermarket, a movie about Celtic warriors (a hint to the Scottish pubs) and a life talk show named “Can earthlings think?”. This is a premature mock about Doug’s upcoming talk show's main topic “Can animals think?”
On departure from planet Earth the aliens display the “Earthlings are able to think, but don't do it!” ticker message on the spaceship’s side. Doug reads it with a big smile, as his ultimate goal seems to be achieved. Until a beam of light from the very spaceship erases all recordings, and it becomes clear that he didn’t quite understand the message.
He realizes he has absolutely nothing to show to the world and breaks down after being so close and realizing that Linda will be thrilled by his failure.
An in the movie constantly recurring mole tells him that nobody cares who he is. But Doug is blinder than the grumpy animal herself, and this will have quite a few solid repercussions later.
Thoughout the story the Voiceover (who often tells what we can easily figure out ourselves) and the SUPER (which often prints what we can easily figure out ourselves) are having their own "survival of the fittest ego" discussion.
Doug records a documentary about the beautiful, peaceful Scottish country side. However, in the background animals-on-the-run suddenly interrupt him. Here are in order of appearance some early credits rolling: a giraffe in a suit and tie, an oversized street cat from Brylland (where the heck is that?) and a dinosaur carrying an exhausted hippo." Real animals? No, just humans dressed as...
Why and where they are running to? Wait until it’s time for Doug's very own “Talk Show.”
Later in the story, this peaceful location becomes the area where a unforgiving rugby battle between the two rival pub patrons takes place. Would you be surprised that Doug finds himself caught in the scrum?
He tries to make the best out of his talk show’s topic “Can animals think?”. But to add to his humiliation, his guests take over the show. “The dinosaur” on one side and “the cat” and “the giraffe” on the other side defend controversial points of view. “The hippo” is way too tired and too slow to say anything, but the others go into a fierce debate without clear winners.
The only real loser is Doug.
A lot of credits go to “the dinosaur” as he launches the story’s paramount one-liner. Although apparently aimed at ‘the giraffe,” the “nonsense, nonsense” is actually about Doug and the movie itself.
In the second part of the talk-show-of-the-century, our troubled celebrity hosts a goldfish and another big-ego animal. The discussion about short-term memory leads to a blackout by the host and the undisputed master of long-term memory, “the elephant.” By then the goldfish had already long forgotten why he was there in the first place.
Later on “the elephant” finds its memory back in a very silly (duh!) situation.
After the flight home, we are ready to enter the realm of his silly TV documentaries. Doug made “The art of dying.” Hitchcock’s “Psycho” violins are suppose to help to create an ominous atmosphere in the program, but it might as well be explained as another “killer production” by Doug.
Doug obviously roots for both, but you’re strongly advised to play it safe and only stick to the first assumption. And/or swap the words in the second.
The documentary begins in 44 BC during Caesar’s last year as emperor in the Roman Empire. A slightly overweight woman entering a “Caesar Salad Bar” franchise, and a hamburger stand and black market ticket seller near the arena are testimonies of Rome's history as we didn't know it. Who claims that mankind has changed and evolved over time?
We learn the truth (oh, come on!) about Caesar’s death, including a whole series of factual errors. But first the famous emperor has to fix the year “Zero K administration glitch.” As if this visionary could know in advance that there would be a year zero,... 44 years later.
After Caesar is killed, we are invited to the arena where a piano player opens the show by playing “Fur Elise,” and demanding respect for Ludwig Von Beethoven. No-one listens, no-one cares. An 21st century, typically old-school, teacher lectures that LvB wasn’t born yet and pianos weren’t invented either. Indeed, who cares? As long as it is taken as absolutely “nonsense, nonsense.”
Caesar's body may be “Titanically” cold by now, but he is kept “alive’ for the crowd by his assassinators who depict him as a marionette. ”Caesar, the puppet?” Hm, sounds interesting. Let's make a note of that.
A video screen and an orchestra playing Julius Fucik’s “Entry Of The Gladiators” complete this walk through "Future Lane."
The Latin dialogues are partly subtitled, though slightly free style. Real animals appear. This time a pride of hungry lions, born and raised to devour gladiators. Although they are all unionized, that is not working together in a pack, but all being members of the Union, they complain about how their “at least one gladiator per lion” job description has been violated. And that has severe consequences: strike!
The so-called “documentary” continues with some undefined “Animal Survival Tricks (for losers)” material, but the show is definitely stolen by a heart-warming story of an intelligent, young seagull who is about to have a fish family for supper.
Somehow this oddball version of Jonathan Livingston is like Doug, as he also gets easily confused by uncontrollable events. At a certain point he turns to the viewer for advice, since he is about to lose it in his growing-up quest.
Besides reaching superstardom, Doug’s other dream is to dispose of Linda and be free of (financial and celebrity) obligations to her. He dreams (a parody) of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” chasing Linda through the woods and eventually sawing her to pieces.
He almost gets what he wants. Almost, because his dream takes an unexpected turn as a not so friendly bear wants some fun as well.
Life is too much for him to handle and Doug seeks help from a psychiatrist. The “wonderful healing treatment” he receives from Joe Brixton can hardly be taken seriously. Doug can’t see inside the psychiatrist’s twisted brain and takes his advice. Unfortunately for him Doug is not aware that Joe’s brain no longer makes sense; perhaps it never did.
Joe suggests Doug to serenade Kate to win her heart. He hopes this will help him overcome his fear of failure. This plan is guaranteed 100% full proof (aka fool proof).
His late night performance under her window indeed draws plenty of attention, but not the kind he is looking for. First a rat shows up, followed by angry neighbours. To make matters worse, Kate, a world-famous light-sleeper, doesn’t wake up. Why is that? The explanation couldn't be more simple... Poor Doug!
Doug's next documentary is about entertainment. But we will never see it, because he slips into another dream instead and becomes part of his very own show when he copies his hero, the great Houdini. Too bad that Linda once again enters his dream being seated in the audience and sucks up all of tthe attention. No surprise though, she is the real celebrity!
In his next talk show he interviews ventriloquist John Hoax (..). And such a guest (and with such a name) must be interesting, especially as “Caesar, the puppet” (aha!) seems to have a life of its own. Eventually master and slave battle each other, leaving Doug with another damaged imago.
If James Bond was ever to be taken seriously, Doug will unravel "double-'O'-seven"'s good name in yet another “great adventurous” dream.
As the famous secret agent James Mund (the name is a derivation from Doug's visit to the psychiatrist) and Russian babe Natasha Virginski (what’s in a name?) by his side, he chases Blowfish who had the guts to steal his beloved Aston Martin DB5. That’s asking for trouble, mister! Big, big trouble.
In his hunt Doug "borrows" some techniques from Tarzan. But not before being seduced by Natasha and her (!) top-10 randiest puns....
Eventually, Doug sees his heroic “007” adventure come to a conclusion in a not so happy ending (and landing).
In his next visit to his shrink our unfortunate hero faces an encounter with the floor and leaves with a bruise or two. This will bring him to the edge of what he is able to handle, about to surrender.
Linda thinks that he is doing too many workouts, as he can’t hide the pain in his body. Saved by this unexpected bell, and opportunistic as he is, he instantly zaps to the sport channel.
Becoming a great athlete was "The Other Cornerstone" of being a superhero. He becomes thrilled by Sverre Fjord, an athlete from Brylland. Indeed, the same unknown country Mr. Felix, the cat in his talk show, came from.
So we do have here a special connection here. Let me guess: Mr. Felix is Sverre Fjord’s pet! What are the odds, hey? Wow!
No, there is no connection whatsoever. Here we are just messing with your head.
Want to continue? Click 'The (almost) complete story'
Story
